Happiness or Resilience?
Part 1 of "Letting our kids sit with discomfort"
It’s just before dinner, and my son is in “the zone.” Like Michael Jordan charging the lane, with Charles Barkley bracing for impact, his tongue hangs out the corner of his mouth. He’s already lined seven Hot Wheels along the edge of the playroom table. Three more to go. He’s locked in.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice my daughter—an adorable, ruthless agent of chaos—crawling closer. The "Jaws" theme plays in my head as she creeps forward.
Da Dum.
I know what’s coming.
Da Dum Da Dum Da Dum.
Two cars hit the floor. My son explodes.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! DAAAAADDYYYYYYY! She fell my cars!"
I take a breath. This is one of those moments—one that feels trivial now but lays the groundwork for handling bigger disappointments later.
He stares at me, waiting for... something. Justice. Vengeance. Validation. But if I always step in and fix it, what does he learn?
It's the classic parenting dilemma: Do we prioritize our kids' immediate happiness or their long-term resilience? Our instinct is often to ease their discomfort, but research shows that resilience grows from experiencing and processing challenges.
In Good Inside, psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy writes: "Building resilience is about developing the capacity to tolerate distress, to stay in and with a tough, challenging moment."
That night, I didn't scold my daughter or reconstruct the cars. I sat with my son and said, "Yeah, buddy, I get it. That really stinks when someone messes up something you've worked so hard on. But you did a great job lining them up."
Then I repeated a version of a family mantra:
"What do we do when something we try doesn't go our way? We try again."
As parents, our role isn't to eliminate discomfort but to help our kids learn how to handle it. Short-term happiness feels good, but resilience lasts a lifetime.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2: Small Struggles, Big Lessons