5 Lessons I Wish I Knew Before Becoming a Dad
Wisdom gained from four years in the joyful trenches of fatherhood.
My son turned four on Valentine's Day, and a few days earlier, my daughter walked for the first time. Parenthood is a constant reminder of how little control you have over time. One of my best friends just had his first child, and it got me thinking: If I could go back and tell myself what I wish I’d known before becoming a dad, I’d probably start here…
You will screw up
Even if you're not a natural perfectionist (and as one, I can say you're much better off if you aren't), you'll strive to meet impossible standards for your kids. You can't. One of the greatest tidbits I've learned about parenting is that your kids benefit from your shortcomings. I'm not talking about abuse or neglect, but of the everyday natural mistakes you're bound to make. In 1953, British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott coined the term "good enough mother." Winnicott observed thousands of babies and found that kids benefit when parents fail them in manageable ways. We won't always be able to cushion our kids from disappointment. It's a cruel world. The more they learn that under our safe care, the better. So, do your best, but try not to put too much pressure on yourself.
Your partner needs you as much as your kid does
When my son was born, the only bit of advice I remember my mom giving me was this: "If you want to stay married, prioritize your partner." Before that moment, it had never really occurred to me how much Mom prioritized our needs over those of Dad and herself, so this surprised me. But also she and Dad weren't always sunshine and rainbows back then (to put it lightly). So the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Emotional regulation is one of the hardest things our kids will need to learn, and one of the best ways to cultivate it in them is to show it. And it's a lot easier when things are stable in your relationship. However hard it is, make time for one another. Someday, your kids might thank you.
You’re more fragile than you think
This one is hard to accept, but you can't do it all for your kids, especially if you're sleep-deprived, hangry, and overcome with stress. For any good parent, selflessness is the default setting. But if you want to give your kids your absolute best, you must take full advantage of whatever pockets of time you can dedicate to self-care. Personally, if I can find five minutes here and there to do some breathing exercises, it's never a bad idea. Also, my wife and I occasionally gift each other professional massages. If you can swing it, it helps a lot.
They’re not as fragile as you think
Almost any parent with more than one kid knows: the second kid doesn't get the same white-glove treatment as the first. With more responsibilities and divided attention, parents learn through trial and error (mostly error) that babies are more resilient than they seem. Of course, they aren't indestructible. Be as careful as possible, but I've been shocked a few times when I thought there'd be bruises or worse, and the kid just shook it off.
Stay as present as possible. They can tell when you aren’t
One of the most incredible things about kids is how perceptive they are. For example, my son has a superhuman ability to identify familiar vehicles. Multiple times, we've been out, and he's spotted a car and yelled, "There's [someone’s] car!" It's seldom been the actual person, but it is always the exact same car, down to the color, make, model, and year. This remarkable perception also extends to your attention when you're with them. Kids know when you're fully engaged, and if you aren't, they'll let you know—and it won't be with a gentle nudge. Life happens, and you won't always be able to be fully there with them, but any time you can, do it. I have never regretted spending time fully locked in with my kids. When they're young, it's especially magical.